Terrorists Go for the Heart(land)

Dateline -- Rockford, IL

Due to the dilligence of some hard-working feds, a bone fide, Islamic, fundamentalist, terrorist, whack-job was captured before he could follow through on his plot to plant four hand-grendades in garbage cans at Cherryvale Mall in Rockford, IL (the ancestral homeland of several miserable donuts). The liberal media's coverage can be found here.




Locally, Rockfordian's are pretty rattled. Such events usually only beset big-city folk. Nonetheless, Rockford has increased it's local Homeland Security Threat Level to RED - severe risk of terrorist attacks. Meanwhile, anti-Rockford sentiments in the Middle East are on the rise, as a sock monkey, Rockford's symbol of community pride, was burned in effigy.

Local residents have begun to stockpile potable water, install metal detectors at the grocery store and pay closer attention to suspicious people, especially muslims, hindus, asians, mexicans, eastern Europeans and, of course, the Irish.


Public spaces in Rockford deemed to be 'high-value' targets have been closed off, including Rockford's art beacon to the world, the beloved Symbol.

To date the federal agents aren't saying anything about the would-be terrorist, but stay tuned as long-moribund Miserable Donut MightyQuinn becomes your Special Correspondent from terrror-torn Rockford, Illinois.